Kristen responded by saying: "I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want the sex?"



Note to Kristen:

- You fuck guys for money... well Thats not safe.

- For $ 5,000 bucks an hour, put on the Bo Peep costume, shove the cucumber up your ass and jump out of the plane, and shut the fuck up.
I know I would!

Note to Elliot:

- Tunnel queens don't keep records and cost a lot less, what's a little adams apple gonna hurt?

-  $ 5,000 bucks, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Two words Elliot " South East Asian New York State International Business Partnering Meeting and Leadership Conference"  wink wink

You could have had an entire girls school over there for that kind of coin, and when you were done you could have had them deep fried and sent home for your daughters " International Culinary Festival"  fund raiser at
whatever pretentious private school you send them too.

By the way Elliot girls that cost $ 5000 bucks an hour don't say thinks like this
" I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want the sex?"

You were robbed!

        

Sure , this is all very embarrassing.

But you knows what is even worse, forgetting to put your dentures in before the press conference.

This is too easy...

Ralph

        

Welcome to Chubb Form Studios...

 



And if you can't laugh at him you can laugh at me...

        

Well tonights the big night!

And I am all alone, left to watch the Oscars by my self.
That means I am not watching the Oscars.
In fact I really hate award shows.
There is nothing like a bunch of folks all patting themselves on the back,
right after they finish stabbing each other in the back.

My wife is in Florida with the kids and if I know whats good for me, I will not call
her after this show begins. I have never quite understood her fascination with this well
orchestrated hoax, but its one of her big TV nights of the year, so I best not fuck it up for her.
However, I do know that when any of the following movies are on TV,
I demand absolute silence as if I had never seen them before. So I figure it must somehow
roughly translate to her need to watch the Oscars.

Jaws
The Godfather
Bridge over the River Kwai
Animal House
Caddyshack
( there are at least 30 more, but these are the ones that pop into mind)


That leaves me to my Oscar picks as I cant resist a good bet, well this is not really a good bet
as I have not seen one of these movies and have heard even less, it really makes me a perfect juror
for this with complete objectivity.


I will stick with the Big 5, although I have odds on one of the Key Grips!

BEST PICTURE
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah" (Warner Independent)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson’s War" (Universal)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" (Picturehouse)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone" (Miramax)

My criteria for these picks was based on me cutting and pasting all the nominations from a
list on Varietys web page and then randomly deleting 4 out of 5 of those picks.
Science!

You know , when you do a search on the internet for Awards Shows,
you find all kind of interesting stuff!

I guess you already know where I am going with this, but I highly suggest you
take a moment to see just how far the Adult Film Industry has come. ( I kill me. )

http://www.avnawards.com/index.php?content=galleries

Now I am not sure where you were on January 12th, but I was glued to the network airing
of the 25th annual AVN awards.

Let me tell you something, this is a "Classy Event" with David Navvaro and Artie Lang making guest
appearances , its downright mainstream.

There are more categories at this awards show than the Oscars by far.
The actors , actresses, producers, well just about everybody you can see in the photo's just seem
happier than the so called main stream performers at the Oscar ceremony.

As I scrolled down the winners list, I realized this is truly an ethical honest awards ceremonies where
plain old folks judge each other for there work and not for all the petty Hollywood politics.

Who could argue that the awards were given where due when you glance at just a small
few winners from the list...

Who could argue this one?

Best Fem-Dom Strap-On Release
Title	Babes Ballin' Boys 17
Company	Pleasure Productions

It about time we honor Omar and Poppy !

Best Sex Scene in a Foreign-Shot Production
Actor(s)	Gianna, Vanessa Hill, Sarah James, Marsha Lord, Poppy Morgan, Kelly Stafford, Jazz Duro, Omar Galanti, Kid Jamaica & Joachim Kessef
Title	Furious Fuckers Final Race
Company	Rocco Siffredi/Evil Angel

Dead on!


And when they did the Hall of Fame presentation, I just teared up.

Hall of Fame
Actor	Brittany Andrews
Actor	Jay Ashley
Actor	Skye Blue
Actor	Jake Jacobs
Actor	Angel Kelly
Actor	Dyanna Lauren
Actor	Michael Raven
Actor	Raylene
Actor	Ruby
Actor	Alexandra Silk
Actor	Angela Summers
Actor	Tasha Voux

You know what, the hell with it, now I'm in the mood for some real old fashion Awards Ceremony action.
I making popcorn!
Let me see if I can catch Joan Rivers on the Red Carpet.

I'll see you guys tomorrow collecting my winnings from book maker.

Ralph

        

Well, its day three since the shoulder surgery. At last count I have slept maybe 6 hours since I woke up
after surgery on Wednesday.

Not sure why I am reacting this way to meds, but the fun part of the fabled "Oxy" buzz we hear so much
about is long over and now I am just down right giving myself the creeps.

Last night when I finally thought I could get a couple winks in around midnight, I immediately got the bed
spins and then fell into a semi sleep / hallucinatory state where I think I had portaled my self into one of the
worst all time low budget horror flicks from the 1970’s , "Let's Scare Jessica to Death," that my wife and
I had watched a couple weeks ago. My nightmare was much scarier than the actual movie and involved me
being chased by Sony Bono and Robert Goulet whom had whisked me off to an abandoned farm in the
Catskills where they dressed me up in a mini skirt with high black gogo boots and made me stand on a
coffee table and repeatedly sing and dance "These boots were made for walking" by Nancy Sinatra.
It was awful.

The shear terror propelled me out of the nether world and back to an all nighter with the remote,
that concluded with the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, " Stayin’ Alive", now I know  why
John Travolta was virtually invisible for the next ten years, wow,  what a career wrecker that film was.

Anyhow, I had the 7 am kickoff of fishing shows to now look forward to.

If you were not aware, the 2008 Bass Masters kicked off yesterday and ESPN is there to capture all the glory.
The leader board looked like this at the end of yesterday, with New Jerseys own at the forefront. Go Mike!

Michael Iaconelli: 22 pounds
Scott Rook: 21 pounds, 10 ounces
Charlie Hartley: 20 pounds, 3 ounces
Terry Scroggins: 18 pounds
Kevin VanDam: 17 pounds, 8 ounces
Cliff Pace: 17 pounds
Alton Jones: 15 pounds, 6 ounces
Aaron Martens: 15 pounds, 2 ounces
Kotaro Kiriyama: 14 pounds, 8 ounces
Kelly Jordon: 14 pounds, 8 ounces
Dave Wolak: 14 pounds, 8 ounces

Then something occurred to me!

Who gives a shit!

The bass masters is truly where life imitates art if you consider Will Farrell movies ( that I love) art.
You heard it here first but 5 will get you 10 that sooner or later there will be a movie parodying the
"Bass Masters" counter culture, and it will star Will Farrell and Ben Stiller or any of the shameless
comedians from that genre’ that I have grown to admire and respect.

Lets ask a question to the programming guys at all the outdoorsy TV stations.

What the fuck?

I get it your in the business of selling advertising. I can respect that. The Bass guys spend big bucks,
as do the offshore anglers and the Hunters, but whats happening to fly fishing on TV?

Every week I get to watch Chris and Melissa Fischer and their awesome life and chef living the dream,
however, its very clear they really are into to snorkeling and spear fishing. I mean how much of the crap
is really selling in the outdoors market? Yes, Melissa is cute and a good sport, but she’s not that hot to keep
the show running all these years, I just don’t get it.

So back to fly fishing shows. There has been no shortage of them, but there has definitely been a
downward trend towards regular programming. A new show comes on; its great, and then you never see it again.

Now there is a trend of E Zines and Fly Fishing videos on the net. They are great, but the reality is,
I want to sit in my lazy boy and watch it on TV.

So here it is, Fly Fishing advertisers, help me, please!

Pick a show any show, sponsor it, lock in a time and count your money.

Sure fly fisherman are fickle, but we are still in the big picture just as vulnerable to the secret brain waves broadcast

through TV advertising.

Please, please, please save Saturday and Sunday morning.

Hey I have to go, the gang from Laugh In are at the front door and we are all going to Denny’s for breakfast,

and I need to snort another Vicodin.

Ralph

        

Well, yesterdays surgery went well...



I was under the knife for about 2.5 hours, and apparently got more than I bargained for.

Aside from removing an odd shaped bone spur they also repaired some cartilage tear that was not anticipated,
so recovery is going to take a little  longer than I anticipated.

Bone Spur....



Regardless, I was in recovery room for a couple more hours, shamelessly eating pound cake and
cheesy crackers to my hearts delight, and was sent packing with my Oxy script and made haste to the CVS.


We all know last night was the well anticipated lunar eclipse, something I have been anxious to see.

Luckily for me pain killers have a Paradoxical effect and totally wire me.

So me and some post surgical buddies took a walk up to the top of the reservation to try and film the eclipse.
I have an awful camera that was useless, but i did get about an hour of video.

Since I am wired and a one arm bandit I did the best I could to edit this down to about 5 minutes, including
all my new hippie friends who were also up there to howl at the moon.

I was going to do the cliché mix with Dark Side of the Moon dubbed in , but  I'm just to lazy.

I have included a moon song list, you can do it yourselves!

Ralph





pick a song, any song ....

When you get caught between the moon and New York City…

Moondance

Dark side of the moon

Moonshadow

Moonriver

Shine On Harvest Moon

Blue Moon

Dancin' in the Moonlight

By the Light of the Silvery Moon

Bad moon rising

Harvest moon

Mad man moon

Man on the moon

Midnight moonlight

Moonchild

Mississippi moon

Moonlight mile

Mountains of the moon

Picasso moon

Yellow moon

Standing on the moon

Walking on the moon

Shoot down the moon

Mr. Moonlight

Moonchild

Children of the moon

Bark at the moon

Bad side of the moon

Fly me to the moon

Moonlight serenade

 

        

In the past several months I have been informed by my medical staff that, that at 44 years old
it amazing, considering my past lifestyle, how well I am doing. ( see " Glass Half Full " ).

However, they also advised me of a litany of small problems that I am going to have to address through
Diet, Exercise, Medication and Out patient Surgery.

After removing sugar from my diet for the Borderline Diabetes, A regimen of Steroids to knock out an ear
infection that cost me some considerable hearing loss, suggesting I start taking some medication to prevent my stomach from eating my esophagus for a condition known as Barret's Syndrome and a few complimentary sample
packs of Viagra in the event I have the desire to get the marshmallow in the parking meter, its been a long couple
months.

Today, well in a couple hours they are going in to " Scope" out my shoulder. The plan is to remove a Titleist ProV
made of calcium and that should do the trick. However I have been forewarned that if they find any issues like Labrum or Rotator Cuff problems, they will fix them as well.
The net/net is that best case scenario is that I will have my left arm in a sling for several weeks, do physical therapy for a couple months and be ready for the Hendrickson's Hatch in early may.

Worse case scenario is that I am out for this fishing season.


The good news is, that when I leave today I should have enough Vicodin, that if Hans and Frans want to bring over Happy the Rhino for a little card game to keep me company, well I'm In!

Ralph

        

The times they are a changing.

You know when I was little a kid ( 1970's ), occasionally you would see an add like this in the
back of a fairly legitimate magazine.

Now when I say legitimate magazine, I am talking about the Parade magazine that comes in the
Sunday Circular and that sort of caliber of fine academic publication. Usually the adds were in the
back next to the unstainable polyester mens belt less stretch slacks and the he man supplement pills.
The adds for these " Facial Tension Relieving Devices " used to mesmerize me, as down deep I knew
in my heart of hearts that there must be some other uses for this, but alas, I really was a dope,
and had no idea what it must be.

Now this little box, that probably was a big seller and assuredly available at fine stores like
Spencers Gifts, is reassuring in the sense that people were just as deviant then as they are now.
In fact if you do your homework, and I have, you will find there is an entire school of anthropology
devoted to the history of similar devices that date all the way back to the Flintstones...... WILMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily for you I have decided just to cover the highlights in the history of my own lifetime.

Now when I last checked there was only three hours left on the auction on ebay for this little gem and it
was still listed at $ 5.99 , so all you collectors, get to it. For those discriminating buyers the package looks
to be intact batteries and all, so I would rate this in "Mint/ Unused" condition from a collectors standpoint.






I am sure most of you are asking yourselves? Where is the Rage?
Clearly this is an educational post and quite interesting, but we really want Ralph's offbeat and whit.

Here is the source of it and what prompted this post.

This is the "KY Touch" Gift with Purchase Set now available at your local pharmacy.



Well, I guess your all wondering why this would set me off.

Clearly I am no prude, in fact some might say "Ralph, your a fucking freak dude, stay away from me
and my family."
In fact my wife said that to me just the other day, but thats not the point.

The point is this, long ago and far away as  young adults we all had to go through certain rights of passage.
The guys had to learn to buy condoms and the gals had to buy " Gal stuff "
We were all embarrassed, and in fact in some ways we still are.
But now that we are all older and have had colonoscopies and polyps removed and all kinds of unpleasant procedures with a team of 28 year old Doogie Housers holding our collective sacks up while some hottie
from Kuala Lumpor is getting her residency in the US so she can go home and save the life of an international Heroin Smuggler from her home land is inserting enough Fiber Optic in our ass's to bring FIOS to 100 new homes, our humility has wained.

So back to the gift with purchase. You see my local pharmacy has decided that the perfect place to put every embarrassing item is on the shelves where you stand in line to pick up you prescriptions. Not behind a counter,
not in some hidden dark isle on the top shelves out of reach and sight of children and the squeamish, but right there in the isle of shame.

As you approach the line, and there is always a long line at the pharmacy, because of all the disputes about
insurance co pays and, oxycodone addicted housewives trying to pull a fast one with sixteen different
prescriptions,
you slow down into this long line and on your right hand side that no one looks at or dares to, and they
all stare at the floor for fear of being caught even being curious.
First its the feminine hygiene products, then the Douches, Then its the Waxing Gear, Next its the Condoms
( I take personal offense to the Magnums), and now right at the end of the line two customers away from the prescription counter is where you really have to gather all your strength not to look.
Because here is the wall of lubrication, and I mean wall. There is warming gels, lubra beads, moisteners.
This must be big business, because for every name brand product and clearly KY is the market leader,
there is a cheapie CVS brand. I mean is this the time to save a buck? If your gonna lube up you might
as well go with a tried and true product.

And then right at the end cap from top to bottom is the this Gift With purchase Item. Now go back up
and take a look at that Gift. What the fuck is that thing? A personal massager as stated on the box?
This looks like someone in R&D took to much acid and decided to invent a Dildo for people in the land of Munch's  "The Scream."







Once again, I am no prude. I just don't want to see this crap when I am in line with little old ladies
picking up there calcium pills for Osteoporosis, mothers with sick kids and snickering teenage girls
who are picking up there I wanna be a whore NOW 1 period per year super contraceptive pills that
are gonna give them grapefruit size tumors growing out of there taint 15 years from now.

Call me old fashioned.

Now what people do at home or on the Internet is there own business, and if some say this site
is offensive, and I'm a hypocrite, so be it,  don't read it or let your kids read it. The Rhinos got your goat?
well he's got all our goat, but he still just an animal, even though we all have Rhino Envy now.
But please keep this crap off the main isle in the local Pharmacy.

On an upbeat note , getting way back to the history theme started in the beginning of this entry.
I found this little baby on the Internet while doing my academic research for this piece,
that brings us right into 2008.

OH MI BOD!



Who would a thunk it.
Somewhere there's a Hungover Jedi wondering what the fuck he did with his light saber last night.
Well the quants over in R&D got busy and integrated it with an I POD.


Have a nice Valentines Everyone!

-Ralph-

        

You may want to turn down the speakers if you are at work, or near small children, but without them this video is meaningless.

        

 

We all remember what the first rule back at Spy School was, don't we?

Do NOT get caught!

Kill yourself, eat the microfilm, hit the ejector button and so on.



Well than, what the Fuck were the brainiacs at NASA and the Pentagon thinking when they sent this
"Spy Satellite" up into space without a self destruct button?

From the news I have read, this bus sized satellite should re enter the atmosphere in about 30 - 60 days.

And its headed towards North America, maybe, kinda of, sort of.

These are the same folks that are telling us they are tracking the Near Earth Objects, maybe, kinda of, sort of.

Gives you a warm fuzzy deep inside doesn't it.

You know the Discovery Learning Geographic Channel spends most of its time warning us that some serious shit will be going down, "NOT IF BUT WHEN", and when it does the odds of the human race surviving are slim to none, but if we do survive , Monday Night football is going to be the Chuds vs Morlocks !

So why is it that we can't even think through putting a satellite into space without going through a simple check list

1. What goes up must come down.

At this point in the meeting someone needed to raise there hand and say " Hey maybe we should put a self destruct button on this baby. "  There is one for sale on ebay for $ 20 .00 bucks and the Auction ends in 5 minutes.



But hey no one likes to point out the obvious and look like a suck up in the meetings.


I am going to be so pissed if this thing hits my house. I just put together a fusball table for the kids this
past Christmas and it took me almost 6 hours.


In the words of the infamous Heinrich Himmler , that he muttered before he bit into that cyanide tablet....

"Achtung Baby"

Ralph